I once loved someone so much that I was blinded by my own fascination and couldn’t see that his heart didn’t yearn for me, his hands didn’t reach for me, his mind was fixated elsewhere. I once loved someone so much that I was unable to face the reality that he just wasn’t into me, no matter what I was going to say or do, he wasn’t going to fall in love with me, he wasn’t going to wake up one morning and see that I am everything he could ever need.
I was vulnerable in my endeavor to dig digger, to give him the benefit of the doubt, but then the texts got shorter, our nights together became infrequent and I knew that, I had turned the corner from being caring and compassionate, to being pathetic.
I had to look myself in the mirror, and face the music that what I had been doing for a year was wrong. I was wrong— my gut didn’t lead me in the right direction this time….. or did it? I firmly believe everything happens for a reason and exactly the way it’s meant to, so as I experienced myself pining for someone to give me a chance, to look at me for me, I realized that’s not love, it never could be.
I was naive and became set on someone I couldn’t have— not because I wasn’t good enough for him, but because he wasn’t good enough for me and it only took me 365 days to figure that one out. I never wanted to feel like that again, and that’s why I had to endure breaking my own heart.
As I laid in my room, crying onto the letters I had poured my heart into, I learned I had loved the fairytale I had created with a mediocre guy, who could never truly be my prince charming. I created a love story and allowed my heart to pick someone who would only leave me wanting at the end of the day. Maybe, all of this, wasn’t love at all. My false perception of love that time round has taught me what love is, and what love is not.
Love is patient, kind, and forgiving— it’s full, promising, and warm; it makes your body weak and strong in the same instant, as if you can conquer the world, but you don’t want to do it alone. Love is freeing, with the birds you fly, open and observant, without fear of falling. You are free and secure in love, and isn’t that all we could ever want? I once thought I loved someone so much that I sacrificed the truth in order to be in his presence, and oh never again will I turn a blind eye to what my heart deserves.